Wednesday, July 28, 2010

in which I discuss something that makes me feel less than sane


I shall now attempt to write a post in which I discuss something that makes me feel less than sane without leaving you with the impression that I am not less than sane.

Already on shaky ground, aren't I?

I have this thing; it's an obsession really. I got it in my head months ago that I rarely have really good conversations with anyone. By "really good" I don't mean smart or funny or whatever. I mean conversations in which I feel like I am completely immersed — and they are as well — like we decided to hold hands and jump off a cliff together, confident that where we landed would be cool and refreshing like a lake in the middle of July or that it would be soft and pliant and we'd inevitably laugh as we bounced back up in the air — still holding hands — our insides jostled and silly.

Immersed.

Trustful?

I hear everything you're saying; you hear everything I'm saying. No distractions from the second track of thought running along in parallel; the track of doubt that — in addition to pulling my attention away — is populated by what I'm really thinking, including all the things I want to say but won't or want to ask but won't. And no distractions from wondering what's playing on your second track.

I don't have those conversations.

I don't hear everything you're saying and I don't say everything I want to say.

Ever.

And it's making me lonely.

That is all.

9 comments:

ncbeets said...

Those conversations are certainly rare, and reserved either for the oldest friends or (generally older) strangers who sweeps in and out of our lives.

Only, there's one fact where we shouldn't be led astray: we are all so very lonely.

Heidi Germanaus said...

I've found that good conversation is rare in every day life and people who engage in it are verbal artists who paint their canvas with interest and humor. On more than one occasion I've been asked what religion I practice and my usual answer is that I'm a conversationalist.

The only plausible advice I can give you is to just need to "listen". Hard. Don't wait to find your place to retort.Just patiently wait for that one nugget, the bit that strikes your mind and forces your vocal chords to spring to life naturally. Don't worry if the other person is wondering why you aren't speaking very much because when you do, it will be something relevant and worthwhile. Something that will make up for your gaps of silence instead of mindless sound fillers.

I've been through what you are experiencing before. For me it was a repulsion to the mundane and the subsequent belief that most people had fallen to that level. If I recall correctly, it was an elderly man who I was assisting at my job who snapped me out of it. He told me a story of when he was in World War II and well....it's pretty hard not to become immersed in something like that. It made me realize that part of the problem was that I wasn't really looking for "the story" anymore and after that, I began to search for it once more.

The Kevin Trudo said...

It's kinda nasty to recognize it when you write, too. "oh, dear, they really missed the intention of that..." it's lonely as hell.

I have no idea what you're struggling with, but - a lot of times - I'm afraid to be heard. I'm not sure what I'm saying has any real value or if I do, so I make sure we misfire just a little; the trajectory should be always somewhat off mark.

❤✿PaintHead™ said...

HEllo my name is Painthead and last year i read your blog post about John Hughes. Since then i go to it often when i find myself missing him. I never knew him and i wasn't a teen, but i grew up with his movies and it's part of my childhood.

I know soon(aug6) it will mark his one year anniversary of him passing away and you will probably get tons of emails for interviews, but i was wondering if i could interview you for my blog. I adore reading your posts
and it was awesome reading what friendship you had with someone who many admire and find inspiration from.

I did not see an email anywhere to be able to contact you, and i couldn't send you a private message in twitter, but if you are up to it here is my contact information

painthead@hotmail.com and you can check out my blog to see if that is something you would want to be part of. oxoxoxoox PaintHead

Danielle said...

I am writing this comment on the wrong post, but with 1385 comments on your post about John Hughes, I wanted to make sure you saw it.

Your post touched me. I always felt like he really knew me in Sixteen Candles (keep in mind, I was born in 85, so I wasn't seeing these brand new). I totally associated with the red headed outcast who just didn't quite fit in.

He gave me hopes of everything working out in the end.

Thank you for your post...it was lovely to hear that someone who effected your life was actually a genuinely nice person.

vi said...

I feel the same way.

Don't know why.

Caleb S. Garcia said...

I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. Don't lose hope. Best of luck. God be with you.

farheen sherif said...

at some point in our life,even though we have every one around us ,we may feel lonely in life.....

Anonymous said...

Life IS lonely. Period.